There’s a person who lives in my building, she’s cute and I want to talk to her but I can’t. It’s not because I’m incapable of talking to someone, it’s because I’m afraid of intimacy. In my head I’m thinkingI no one wants to talk to me. I mostly feel like this when I get off work, like everyone is just waiting for me to leave. To be honest, I don’t want to be there either. I know it’s all in my head but it doesn’t change the way I feel. This is why I like making documentaries, because having a documentary project gives me a purpose, a reason and motivation to talk to someone new. I’m just lonely, that’s all it really comes down to. There’s me out here in this world trying to find ways to connect with people. The format of documentary filmmaking is interesting because it’s both intimate and professional. There’s a clear line between you and the subject. The subject allows you to come in to their world, and as a filmmaker you learn to see what they see. I like this method because I’m not the one doing the sharing, that terrifies me. Photography and documentary filmmaking has trained me to see the world from a new perspective. I’ve learned to listen to the stories of people I’ve interviewed.
An intimate connection where chemistry is present is something a little more challenging. Such a connection requires me to be vulnerable and open. I tend to push people away in fear, because i’m afraid of loosing someone I connect with.
I’m not going to talk to her, I mean really talk to her. Outside of the occasional small talk we might have when passing one another, I’m not going to make any extra effort to get to know her. The reason is because I’m not emotionally available or mentally ready.
Let me explain, I don’t like where I am in life right now. I just spent six hours working at a coffee shop. It was cool when I was a young 20 something working my way through school. Now that I’m graduated I see that it’s just not for me anymore. To be clear, I’m so incredibly thankful for the opportunities I’ve had to work in some of Denver’s best coffee shops. I need change though, and by change I mean, I need a new challenge that will allow me to grow in a sustainable way. After six hours of working behind the bar, I have to go home and focus on revising my portfolio and resume. I’m trying to find a sustainable career path that suits me. I have no idea how to do this, so it’s requiring all my energy and focus. So right now, theres no available attention to give to someone else. As badly as I want to be in a relationship, I just can’t right now and it’s the way it has to be.
There’s still small talk though. It’s not much but it’s something. I can have short conversations with 6 feet of distance. Now that we live in a world where being isolated is the new normal, I appreciate the random talks with strangers, at work, outside of work, wherever I can get them really. In a new world where everyone bump elbows, small talks might be all we have for a while.