Sometimes I have to remind myself it’s ok to be sad, It’s ok to be depressed. I’ll get to a place in my day where it feels like I’m mentally paralyzed, like I can’t think about anything else but my unhappiness. After I get home from work I’ll stare at the wall and mope around my apartment. It’s pathetic I know, but I’ll do it. Then this magical moment will happen when I really think about the day I had, and things slowly start to come into perspective. I start to take inventory of the people and opportunities I’m thankful for. I’m so lucky to work in a shop where my boss genuinely cares about everyone who works there, and that includes me.
I had to ask for less shifts on bar, and my boss and co-workers have been picking up the extra hours I’m not there, which I’m incredibly thankful for and they know that. Less time behind the bar allows me to do some much needed healing and self care. So that what the journaling and vlogs have been about. (I’m not going to link that here, because I’m not ready to share that stuff. Although its public so anyone can go watch them.) Uploading daily vlogs to youtube fall in line with my passion for storytelling and it’s a good way to track my progress relating to mental health.
If you practice something everyday you will get better. The task will get easier. For the past 30 days i’ve been fully present in my life and have acknowledged the state of my mental health everyday. Coping with my depression has been less of a daunting task. Creating something everyday has made it easier to move forward.
I almost didn’t write this. It’s 4am and I suddenly became very insecure and started to think everything I’m doing is stupid and pointless. That is straight up fear and resistance. I think if I feel that I should push through.